Please Stop Searching For The Following, Episode 8: Selling Pre-Owned Kids

Meet Lee Seung Seop. In 2005, he became the first human being in history, and perhaps the first living creature EVER,  to die from being so stupid that it stared at something too long and forgot to drink, eat or shit.

SEARCH QUERY: selling preowned kids
ANSWER: Well, condition and mileage matters. As for price, future earning power is a big one too. Are they Asian?


SEARCH QUERY: i cannot get motivated to go outside anymore
ANSWER: Well I guess they’ll just find you in two weeks with your legion of adopted cats nibbling at your gaunt, bathrobe’d body and your half-asthmatic Elven orc-hunter wizard still logged in on your Cheeto- and dubious-protein-bedecked monitor now, won’t they?

Meet Lee Seung Seop. In 2005, he became the first human being in history, and perhaps the first living creature EVER,  to die from being so stupid that it stared at something too long and forgot to drink, eat or shit. THIS COULD BE YOU.

Meet Lee Seung Seop. In 2005, he became the first human being in history, and perhaps the first living creature EVER, to die from being so stupid that it stared at something too long and forgot to drink, eat or shit. THIS COULD BE YOU.


SEARCH QUERY: is there a drug to make your bran smarter
ANSWER: In your case I’m gonna go with “No there is not.”


SEARCH QUERY: troops youtube
ANSWER: Yes. This.


SEARCH QUERY: in ky how long before marriage should you make a prenuptial
ANSWER: It depends on which cousin you’re marrying.


SEARCH QUERY: difference AR15 and m4 carbine
ANSWER: One is a shoulder-fired, air-cooled, direct-impingement gas-operated weapon system based upon a rotary bolt assembly firing a small/intermediate-caliber cartridge with a chrome-lined chamber and bore, carbine-length gas system and 14.5″ barrel ending in an A2 flash hider firing in three-round burst and semi-automatic. It is a design intended for a compromise between portability, lethality and range. The other is a commercially available sporting rifle in a variety of forms and designs firing on semi-automatic only with a variety of barrel constructions, forends, gas system lengths and muzzle treatments. The former is reserved for law enforcement, government and military personnel and civilians lucky enough to have an NFA stamp. The latter is a perfectly suited tool for the saving of lives and defense against tyranny.

See this? Yeah, sorry, you can't have this.

See this? Yeah, sorry, you can’t have this.



SEARCH QUERY: sexy nippple piercing jewlery
ANSWER: Is there really nipple piercing jewelry sufficiently dowdy and boring as to merit a distinction? What does un-sexy nipple piercing jewelry have on it, anti-promiscuity PSAs or pictures of grandmas?


SEARCH QUERY: hajjis wearing furry getups
ANSWER: …Here, I guess this is close enough.

I'm not proud of this.

I’m not proud of this.



SEARCH QUERY: buy isotope
ANSWER: Is this how they find dumb terrorists, I wonder? Just look for whoever is dumb enough to search for, like, “how to successfully conduct a suicide bombing” on Bing or whatever?


SEARCH QUERY: how to made cornhole bags
ANSWER: The lack of irony in this query is altogether stunning.


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