Please Stop Searching For The Following, Episode 5: David Bowie Wants In Your Expansion Slot

SEARCH QUERY: what does l8r mean
ANSWER: It means she’s 16 STOP TEXTING HER

SEARCH QUERY: are there immortals that live among us?
ANSWER: YES TWILIGHT IS TOTALLY FOR REAL GO BITE YOUR PARENTS

SEARCH QUERY: life lessons from the movie labyrinth
ANSWER: Do NOT trust David Goddamn Bowie he will abduct you to a magical maze and eye-rape you!

Seriously, just look at him. He looks like some kind of Victorian era child molester. Fuck this guy.

Seriously, just look at him. He looks like some kind of Victorian era child molester. Fuck this guy.

SEARCH QUERY: way do i git sad
ANSWER: Because people are avoiding you. Because you’re so damn stupid.

SEARCH QUERY: what’s normal in a marriage?
ANSWER: Misery, anguish and querulous idiocy. You seem to have the third one nailed down.

SEARCH QUERY: how to respond to ill see you tomorow love yahh
ANSWER: Whoever said that to you, you smack them like a bitch – backhanded across the face. HARD.

SEARCH QUERY: show me how to use womans
ANSWER: Update your firmware, use a firm grip and don’t forget to check the user manual for updates WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!?!

Should've checked the manual.

Should’ve checked that manual, bro.

SEARCH QUERY: how to edit six pack abs using photoshop
ANSWER: Do you know how many times I’ve seen questions like this? Fine… Find and install a 12 gauge pump shotgun – a Remington 870 or Mossberg 500 will suffice just fine. Push back the lifter, insert a single shell making sure that the base of the shell pushes past the edge of the lifter. Rack the action, disengage the safety, stick the barrel in your mouth and please uninstall your life so that you won’t need to bother any other human being with these dumbass questions any goddamn more.

A Remington 870P would be a fine choice to eliminate your worries about flabby abs.

A Remington 870P would be a fine choice to eliminate your worries about flabby abs.

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