Please Stop Searching For The Following, Episode 10: Thug Life Chose Me After I Scored 1420 On The SAT

Don't mess with the Joohn gang. They'll school you.

SEARCH QUERY: what the White Man did wrong
ANSWER: I’d say picking the name ‘the White Man’ was probably the first thing he did wrong.


SEARCH QUERY: trade for islamic wife
ANSWER: A few AK-47s or some sheep ought to do it. These days, you’ll get top dollar if you have an IR-absorbent camouflage shroud to trade so that your wedding doesn’t get Hellfired.

No, not livestock, dammit, this stuff.

No, not livestock, dammit, this stuff.


SEARCH QUERY: what trees to grow in landmined areas
ANSWER: …What? Wait, I don’t even… I mean, really, what?

Fine.

Ones with delicious fruit. Stake signs next to them that say “FREE FRUIT FOR INSURGENTS”.


SEARCH QUERY: joohngang daily korea
ANSWER: Yes. That’s right.

I HAVE A GANG. IN KOREA.

Don't mess with the Joohn gang. They'll school you.

Don’t mess with the Joohn gang. They’ll school you.


SEARCH QUERY: things christians don’t say
ANSWER:

10. “Sorry about that Crusades thing.”
9. “I totally would have been gay for Jesus. If he asked.”
8. “Sure, throw that lion down here with me, I’ll kick that lion’s worthless Roman ass!”
7. “Turn that cheek back. I ain’t done with it.”
6. “Gay butt sex is beautiful.”
5. “Islam sounds totally reasonable.”
4. “Jesus who?”
3. “Son, I’m so happy you turned out to be gay!”
2. “Actually, you know what? If my wife told me she was pregnant with God’s kid I’d just divorce her crazy ass come to think of it.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNND…

1. “A’uzu billahi minashaitanir rajim. Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar…”

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. REMEMBER TO TIP YOUR BARTENDER. I’ll be here all week!


SEARCH QUERY: highest asvab ever gotten
ANSWER: MINE! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA


SEARCH QUERY: receiving diamonds in dreams islamic interpretation
ANSWER: It means your dream hawala will be raided by a combination of dream FBI, CIA and military intelligence assets who will seize all your dream assets and put you in dream Guantanamo.

"LAAAAME THIS DREAM IS LAME THIS IS NOT WHAT THE IMAM PROMISED ME"

“LAAAAME THIS DREAM IS LAME THIS IS NOT WHAT THE IMAM PROMISED ME”


SEARCH QUERY: what kind of ritual calls for,generator quartz,red jasper,tektite,apache tears,black tourmaline
ANSWER: Probably some fucking crystal healing hippie bullshit. Why don’t you just go to the goddamn ER like a normal person?


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